Contemplations

2004-12-31T01:28:00.000+08:00

They say that when babies are born, they only have an in-born fear of 2 things, that of loud noices and that of falling.
As we grow up and grow older, we add new fears, but we conquer old ones as well.
As humans are social animals by nature, we learn to interact with the people about us and make contacts, new friends, mates.
Along with crowds the fear of loneliness comes along naturally.
I suppose that this is the one fear that we never be able to truely conquer.

We will inevitably come face to face with loneliness in one way or another.
We fear it, for it deprives us of one thing that we really crave at times: company.
We fear it so much that we try to avoid it as much as possible, either by going out, frequent smses or busy internet chats.
If not, only you and 4 empty walls are left, and nothing can be more terrifying than that.

But I supposed loneliness is part of life isn't it?
As long as there is company, there will always be loneliness, its opposite.
I used to tell myself that loneliness is beautiful, for it gives you time for quiet reflection and makes you a better person.
But lately, sometimes I've found out that the loud silence that haunts loneliness is more than I can bear at times.
This is not the loneliness that comes from missed company.
This is the loneliness knowing that you havent found the one that knows you better than you know yourself.
The one whom you can pour your heart to.
The one whom you can expose your most vulnerable side to.
Soul mate.

Countless times have I told myself that wait on and a person will appear to fill the empty niche in your heart.
But then by doing that so many times I have lulled myself into a false reality of my own making, a dream where everything is perfect and one which I'm not willing to wake up from.
Whenever we think that there will be somebody at the end waiting for us, we might just be hiding from the fact that this person will never appear.
But we do not want to wake up.
For the harsh reality will be so devastating that it will completely blow ourselves away.
But then living in a dream is not the way to go too.

The red pill or the blue pill?
The choice is hard to make at times.

2004-12-30T17:55:00.000+08:00

2 more days to the end of 2004.

Many of you might have noticed the alarming lack of posts in the month of December.
Kinda strange, for after A lvls, I should be by right blogging almost everyday, complaining about boredom, friendship, lack of money etc etc.
Surprised myself too.
I had so many things in my mind I have wanted to write about, end of jc, treasured friendship, bemoaning a lonely christmas...
Perhaps I was lazy, perhaps I didn't know how to put my feelings in black and white...
But a couple of days ago, I've think I've found out the underlying reason why I did not blog all these things down.
They simply do not matter anymore.

End of JC? It must happen one day in one way or another.
Treasured friendship? There is simply nothing in the world such as best friends forever, however hard I want to believe in it. Without everyday contact, people find new best friends, and sometimes the magic spark between old friends just disappear.
Lonely Christmas? Well shit happens, you can't find mates to keep you company every festive season.
The thing is that whatever happen happens, and life must go on.
Yes, life must go on, and there is no use dwelling on such things.

These few weeks I have been particularly reflective, especially on the deeds I did not do and the things I did not accomplish.
I look back in my jc life, and found that I did not accomplish much at all.
I am fundamentally the same person that left secondary 4.
No new skills acquired, no break thoughs in relationships, still as low self esteemed as ever.
Hence, I've often wondered what I've really done in this past 2 years.

But then, it doesn't really matter now.
I got the next stage of my life to think about, and that's what important.
I can regret what I didn't do, but I can't live in it forever.
I will then be just trapped in a vicious cycle.

How I wish I have the time and energy to regret what I did not do.
But then, life goes on.

2004-11-27T15:04:00.000+08:00

I used to love my father's coffee.

My father has always been making coffee for as long as I remember.
I believe he learned it from my grandma when he got married, in order to satisfy my mother's cravings.
Day after day, year after year, he has made the thick brew using the coffee sock (no lousy coffee machine) every morning, leaving it in a thermoflask for my mother.
It was probably all thanks to him and his coffee that I became a hopeless caffeine addict.
Rich, black and aromatic, it was authentic kopi-o down to the very last drop and was the very first coffee that I ever had.
I used to look forward to Sunday morning, as it was the only time in the week that I could wake up to the scent of freshly brewed coffee when I was young.
My mother and I used to fight over the coffee flask.
And when my father woke up the next day, he would inevitaby find the coffee flask drained to the last drop, ready for a new days brewing.

But lately, I have taken a new liking.
Nowadays, after my exams and studies, I would go down to the kopi-tiam nearby and order some coffee for take away, enjoying it at home when I got back.
As a result, I havent been drinking my father's coffee.
Quite oftenly these days, the coffee flask would be left untouched at the end of the day.

I just chanced upon the coffee flask this afternoon.
It was still full of coffee, luke-warm and slightly sour.
Brewed by my father this morning, before he left for work, just like every other day.
It then dawned on me that even though quite frequently now the coffee was left untouched, he still faithfully made coffee the next day, just as he has done for the past ten years.

I wonder what my father did when he found the stale coffee, untouched in the morning.
What he felt when he poured the day's efforts, unappreciated , down the drain.
Disappointed maybe, even slighly hurt.
But day after day without fail, he would still make fresh coffee in the morning, leaving it in the coffee flask for my mother and me.
What kept him going, I asked myself.
The habit of ten years?
Or something else?

We often picture love as great events, momentous occasions or heart-rending passion.
But the truth is that love in often found in the small details of life.
Little gestures and tibits that we often never noticed and take for granted.
Just like my father's coffee.
Even though sometimes I never drank it, my father still made coffee everyday for me.
Even though as we grow up we distance ourselves from our parents, in their eyes we would always be their children forever.

I poured myself a cup of the luke-warm coffee and drank it.
Delicious, just as the way I always remembered it.

2004-10-30T23:05:00.000+08:00

Humans are by large idealistic creatures.
We have this perfect image of what our life should be, like perfect love or perfect happiness, and pursue these ideals at great lengths.
All day long we run, but at the end of the day, we find that all these are nothing but a myriad of mirages.
In reality, nothing is perfect in this world.
Happiness, love, friendship, you name it, you got it.
Even friendship.

Formal school ended officially around September, and a couple of months have whizzed past like dragonflies.
Now, I am at the brink of the big As itself, and after another month of hard work and possibly sheer luck, I should be able pull this off with hopefully nothing more than a few scratches.
By the November 29th, I would be well and nigh considered graduated from HCJC, since we do have have a formal graduation ceremony, unlike TCHS.
Graduation.
One word, so many meanings.

In fact, student life is not just one big long and drawn out battle with textbooks, notes and TYS with graduation at the end of the road.
Student life, even life itself, is just a long long series of graduations.
Graduation from setbacks, graduations from a broken heart, graduation from failures.
With each and every graduation, we learn something new about ourselves and life itself, and come out overall a stronger person.
However, with every graduation, we also come to realise that life is not perfect, and our perfect image of life is most of the time a compromise.
Also, with every graduation, we leave somewhere familiar and start afresh at somewhere new and alien.

This sometimes makes it hard to graduate sometimes.
It is inevitable, but you have to do it, willingly or unwillingly.
It is so hard to leave our warm cocoon and fly away at times, with unknown dangers besieging us at every corners.
Sometimes, it is something that holds you back, preventing us from stepping into the next big unknown.
For me, it is my friends.

Auld lang syne, my friends, auld lang syne.
Everyone almost sang this line at one time or another, a testimonial to a strong and forever friendship.
But I have come to realise that there is no perfect and forever friendship in the world.
Friendship too like everything else, needs care and hardwork to maintain.
In school, we see our friends every day, and friendship as no way to grow except deeper.
But with graduation, the rule of the game will change.
With increasing spatial and temporal distance, friendship will start to go on a rollercoaster ride.
True, it will remain, but it will not be as true or steadfast as before.
With new priorities and new goals before our eyes, we are sometimes blinded to our old friends, giving just the barest of time to sustain the old friendship.
Tis true. I speak from experience.
Sometimes, I pass old friends with nothing but a hurried "Hi".
Worse still, we meet and pass with total nonchalent, oblivious or delibrately ignoring the existence of each other.

Sometimes I wonder at the whole process of becoming friends.
Are they so common to each other, sharing similar hobbies, habbits and mannerism such that they can't help but take a liking to each other?
Or is it that opposite poles attract, and 2 totally different person can complement each other, with one's respective strengths diminishing the other's repective weakness, filling in the gaps in each others life and helping each other to become a more complete person?
Or is it just a simple process of "clicking" with each other, a mysterious process I can't describe in words.
But regardless of what it is, I have made many friends over this short span of 18 years.
And among them, a few treasured individuals whom if missing would make my life so much more dull and monochromatic.
These few are whom I'm priviledged to call very good friends.

But alas, friendship though strong is brittle, and shatters with lack of proper attention.
With graduation and the passage of time, would I lose the friendship of the old days?
I might never know, but if fate indeed have it its own way, it would be very sad indeed.
Thinking of the days we walked through together, played together and grew up together, old heartstrings can't help but be tugged at.
Is it inevitable that the passage of time will wash away all echoes of auld lang syne, and there is no way to salvage it at all?
I don't want to lose these few friends, for they are very very precious to me. But sometimes, courage to find back the old friendship is the hardest to come by.
Life is so strange at times.
Sometimes you do not have any choice, parting as friends yet meeting again as strangers.
And yet, when we meet again, the hardest thing to do is to say "Hi".

Pictures are but frozen frames of time, each capturing places and people that were in our life.
As I flipped through old photos and new, a searing ache will often race down my sides.
Gazing upon faces and smiles of friends, I can't help but long for a return to the days of our lives, days when we were together everyday and seemingly will always be together forever.

Good old days my dear friend. I wish you well always.

2004-10-24T13:14:00.000+08:00

I am now typing this from a secure computer terminal from an undisclosed location.
This is probably my last will and testament.
I am hoping that my message will get across and covey the terrible situation here.

Every year, in the last few months of the year, an insidious and horrible terror sweeps across the nation.
But it happens oh so silently and slowly that no one noticed.
But I do. And its terrifying.

The initial symptons of this terror happens at Orchard Road.
Slowly but surely, a change is happening in the crowds thronging there.
Ask yourself, where are the RGS girls in pinafolds?
Where are the TCHS boys in their short khaki pants?
Where have they all gone to?
This may sound insignificant, but its only the tip of a growing iceberg.

The next event happens all around you.
One by one, my classmates have turned strange lately.
Shuffling around like aimless zombies with their TYS.
Moaning softly ever so oftenly, mixed with strange gibberish like "sin^2 x plus cos^2 x equals 1".
Staring glassy-eyed into bio notes everyday, oblivious to what"s happening around them.
I too have succumb to this strange diesease, though holding out valiantly.

But after much effort, I have found out the root of this illness!
A secret document (exam proof) have documented the existence of this strange new virus.
Designed by evil scientists who want to take over the world in Cambridge, England, it is code-named "Operation A levels".
The most sidious effect of this virus is that it turns all happy go-lucky students into mindless, flesh eating, zombified chao muggers!
Then after 1 million chao muggers are infected, they will channel the spirit of the muggerism to summon an evil entity known as "A levels" and destroy the western civillisation with a giant Physics Paper!

But alas, after I have made this important discovery, someones wants to have me silenced.
Hordes and hordes of zombies armed with past year prelim papers appeared.
Despite blowing some their heads off with an AK, more keep coming.
I have managed to escape to this computer terminal here, to send this message.
Please, I implore anyone who reads this, stop this madness!

Wait what is this?
I suddenly feel a strange desire to read bio notes and do maths papers.
No. Despite my efforts, I will too fall to the virus.
Here ends my last will and testament.
Goodbye, cruel world...

Why am I even writing this????

2004-10-10T02:02:00.000+08:00

I have known you ever since you were little.
We played everyday, we were best friends.
You always had something enertaining and funny to share with me.

We grew up and matured.
No longer limited to childish games now, you became an even more important part of my life.
You assisted me when I was stuck at schoolwork.
You enertained me when I was bored.
You were always there when I need you.

But as you grew up, you began to change.
New thoughts, new ideas, new changes.
You began to distance yourself away from me.
You are more and more like a stranger to me, yet I began you rely on you more and more.
Sometimes, you are my only clutch against this meaningless world.
Then, one day, you did the unthinkable.
You began to fail and forsake me.

Sometimes, you would slip away so silently, leaving me staring blankly ahead.
Rage built and angers rekindled. How could you do this to me!
I could murder you right now!
But after soon, a sense of desperation will overcome me.
I could not do without you.
Please come back right now, I will always plea silently.

But sometimes one can bear no more.
You have finally done the unspeakable.
A thousand deaths would not atone for what you have done......

Why did you hang in the middle of Warcraft 3 online LAN game you stupid computer!!!!

2004-10-08T20:42:00.000+08:00

The greatest gift you can ever get is someone's key to their own heart, their inner world and their deepest secrets.
The greatest gift you can give back, is your key in return.

Thanks for sharing your world with me.

2004-09-09T02:03:00.000+08:00

The night is so beautiful tonight.
As I gazed out of the window, a gentle breeze caressed my face.
The world I see before me is so calm and peaceful, a cloak of darkness only faintly illuminated by street lights.
The little pools of light given off by the lamps seems engulfed by the darkness that surrounds them.
So dark, so quiet.
Occasionally, the soft rumble of a distant vehicle.
Now and then the chirps of a cricket.
Most of the time, nothing at all.
This is the kind of quiet that calms the heart, the kind of peace that heals the soul.
At times like this, I felt that I was the only one awake at 2.30am in the morning.

I remembered.
The big blackouts of the west.
When every light for a mile around was extinguised and everthing was so dark.
Then, I saw something I thought impossible to see right in my house.
Stars.
Myriads of diamonds, uncumbered by city lights, finally shone outside my window.

With a childlike astonishment, I gaped in wonder at the creations of heaven that hung right outside my window.
What awe they inspired in me then.
Only nature could create potraits of such colour and beauty as these.
Only in the starlight would men be awed and humbled before the very magnificence of the universe.
My last thought of that night was too of awe as I drifted gently to sleep, eyelids closing over the Centuar and the Southern Cross that hung in the heavens outside of the window.

I imagine that religion would have started out in a similar way.
I could imagine prehistoric men laying on the grass in a moonless night, staring at the canopy of stars above them.
Men, who conquered animals, his surroundings and eventually the whole planet, could not conquer this.
The speechless brillance of the stars right above them.
Only something positively divine could create such works.
I only have a single word to describe what they should be feeling at those time.
Starstruck.

Random rants at 2.30pm in the morning

2004-09-06T20:19:00.000+08:00

My mother managed to cook up one whole pot of braised pig's trotters in black vinegar for dinner.
Gosh it was nice
It's was also dreadfully sinful.
It's so sinful that it positively emits an evil aura around the kitchen.
Everyone was hot and sweaty while eating our dinner, due to the overpowering aura of evilness that hung in the air.
Or maybe it's just the weather.
I dunnoe.

**********

TCS really irks me nowadays.
After 4 decades of making serials, they still dun get it.
How many serials have you heard that featured a dysfunctional family that breaks down while the heroine or hero strives through the troubles to create a bright future for herself or himself and the family?
10? 100? Ten to the power of infinity?
This kind of plot has being reused and recycled for countless times.
They probably haven't hear about reduce yet.
The characters are sterotyped, the storyline is bland, the twists are cliche.
But this apparently hasn't stop millions of Singaporeans to tune in to Channel 8 every 7pm.
Funnily I'm one of these millions too, I dunnoe why either.

**********

Watched a bootleg copy of Windstruck yesterday.
I'm quite moved by the movie, especially the last scene where the heroine moves on after the death of her lover, knowing that they will meet one day.
This prompted me to blog about something I wanted to blog about for sometime: religion.

The roots of religion lies in the most fundamental of all secrets, that of life and death.
Despite the many scientific breakthroughs made by man, we would probably never know about what happens to us after death.
The idea of a stop to our conciousness is frightening one.
That's why religions have thrived to this very day.
Religion offers salvation, the idea that one can continue to live.
Regardless of heaven or hell, the most important ideal is that something of us survive after death.

This is a very comforting thought.
The very ideal that death is not the end and we will all meet again can give many people the will to live on after the death of a loved one.
I too cherish the ideal that after all this ends, I would be able to meet my family and friends in a place with blue skies, white clouds and green grass.
If you believe that, then death is not the end but merely a bend.
It is merely the next big afventure into the unknown.

But what if all these is a lie?
A fantasy created by people to seek solace in death.
What if our very selves, conciousness and thoughts end at death?
Then death is truly the end.
There will be no more.

But then again, we would still continue to exist.
Not in our mental selves, but our physical bodies.

"Compared to the great vastness of the cosmos, the ocean of deep time, my individual existence is a blip, a bubble in the foam on the surface of a flowing river. I am a momentary arrangement of atoms and molecules - an arrangement that lives and moves, to be sure, an arrangement that thinks, laughs, appreciates beauty, dreams, and loves - but a mere arrangement nonetheless, a transient state, an ephemeral gathering. Soon the blip will go out, the bubble will pop, the arrangement will dissolve, molecular bonds released by entropy. My consciousness will cease. But the molecules that once were me will still exist. The atoms that made up my body - iron, carbon, oxygen, nitrogen, all the heavy elements forged in the crucibles of dying stars - will remain. Liberated from their temporary homes, they will rejoin the rest of the planet, taking new shapes, finding new arrangements, becoming part of other life. I will, in a sense, become merged with everything.

I will be the momentary sparkle of sunlight on the surface of a flowing mountain stream. I will be high in the stratosphere, near that ineffable boundary where life-giving blue fades to violet and black. I will be subducted into the planet's core and join the three hundred million-year cycle of the continental plates. I will be the intense red and yellow of a tree's leaves in autumn, the flash and swoop of a dragonfly's glittering wings, the sleek white bolt of a deer's tail, the brown feathers of a soaring hawk, the silver scales of a leaping fish. I will be in each drop of rain in a storm, each wave in the ocean, each breath of a newborn child. And billions of years from now, when our sun swells and blasts the Earth's atmosphere away, I will be there, streaming away from the charred remnant of the planet into space, to rejoin the stars that gave my atoms birth. In the fullness of time, I will become distributed throughout the entire cosmos. And perhaps some day, innumerable eons from now, on the warm, sandy shore of some inconceivably distant young planet, a molecule that once was part of me will take part in a series of chemical reactions that may ultimately lead to new life - life that will in time leave its primordial sea, climb up onto the beach, and look up at the sky and wonder where it came from.

And the cycle will begin again. "

The Ebon Musings
Stardust
An atheist's view of death

2004-08-31T20:40:00.000+08:00

I just couldn't resist.

**********

You're an ESFP
ESFP
You're a fun-loving outgoing person and are naturally drawn to people...you are quite enthusiastic and exuberant...and usually well-liked by others.. you're good at meeting people and helping them enjoy themselves...you are sympathetic towards people and generous with your time and money. You wanna be where the action is and will see things in your own special way...
You're aware what is going on around you and notice stuff that others miss. You're popular and gregarious and are often busy in social stuff...you are instigators of activity and like to be "where the action is..."...you like laughing at yourself and others....you like to help others and often join organizations that letcha do that..if you work as a teenager, chances are that you'll take a job that lets you interact with others (gift shop, waiter, anywhere you can charm or shmooze)....you're "on stage" often...
You're the eternal optimist, and always seem to land on your feet, somehow. (gee, all this stuff shows you might be good in the Storm Palace pubs..) you can interact with people of all ages, backgrounds or types with no problem.. you learn best when you can interact with others and DO things, not just observe or listen about 'em... Teachers are the key to your success.. they have to care about you for you to want to do well..
You don't like conflict or intellectual arguments...you don't like learning by sitting quietly by yourself and reading some boring abstract stuff..."how does it relate to my day-to-day life?!" You know how to motivate others to get the job done...you can link together people and resources...you'd probably be happy being a coach or a receptionist or a therapist...anywhere you could help people and be responsive to 'em...you don't impose your will.
You like teamwork...you can get caught up in others' emotions.. your style is inclusive and allowing others to participate in the decisions..you don't need to suck up all the glory...you like to take breaks and relax..you love being active and going out and doing things with friends...
You're fun to be with and bring enjoyment to situations...you find fun in the moment...your friends are VERY important to you, and I'll bet you tell 'em so and let 'em know it somehow...you like to reach out and touch the lives of others...you like to share your values with those you love... you might move in or out of a relationship depending if it "feels" comfortable..you get kinda hampered with disapproval.. you can overwhelm your partner with all this affection and stuff...when there's a breakup, you can move on and get over it quickly, surrounding yourself with your friends...
Be careful on these: don't spend too much time socializing and not enough on the task at hand. You'll probably talk on the phone rather than work. Also, don't forget to finish what you start..get some planning skills and time management...don't ignore the logical facts, as much as you'd rather go by subjective stuff...finally, don't be so action-oriented that you forget to plan ahead...
ESFP: "Extra Special Friendly Person"

**********

Seems pretty accurate to me leh.
What you guys think?

2004-08-29T10:56:00.000+08:00

Well, it's being a long time since I've last posted.
Can't leave it hanging though.

**********

Last Friday was a pretty momentous event, for all of you who didn't realise it.
In fact, last Friday was the last day of JC life.
Yup it is.
Officially, our JC life ends on the last day of the A level paper, and goes off with a bang at Ritz Carlton with Senior Promenade 2004.
But did anyone realise that, after last Friday,
There will be no lectures to sleep in.
No tutorials to hide your unfinished work from the tutor.
No hasty and hurried canteen breaks to eat whatever you can before the nex lesson.
No more.
It's all over.
Like the wind, 2 years of JC have passed us by silently and unknowingly, never to reurn.

How time flies.
How good times end so soon.
Once again, another chapter in my life has closed.
It almost seems yesterday, when me, a dazed 16 year old kid in Chinese high uniform was sitting in a circle with my new classmates on the first day of orientation.
Now, I stand on the threshold of my youth, ready to take the next step into infinity and beyond.
The future seems so murky and uncertain.
I look back upon the past 2 years, when I still felt so alive and carefree.
2 years.
Too fast.
Far too fast.

King Solomon once had a dream when God told him words that will restraint him in his happiest hours, yet comfort him in his darkest days.
The words are "It will pass".
I'm tempted to hold on to this 2 years tightly, but I know I can't.
Like catching the wind, it will only slip through my fingers again and again, leaving me sad and disappointed.
What I can only do, is to hold these memories close to warm my heart, and forge ahead.

It has been a wonderful 2 years for an exciting JC life.
When friendships are pure friendships with no strings attached.
When I felt so alive and carefree.
When one can still feel that at anytime, he's the King of the World.

Well, all good things must come to an end eventually.
Farewell then, Hwa Chong JC.

**********

Well, this should be my last posting for quite some times, 3 months to be exact.
With the impending prelims and As, I dun think I will have time to blog often.
Work hard everyone.
Remember, dreams are there to be cherished and realised.
Adieu, and good luck!

2004-08-07T10:21:00.000+08:00

If I had an astrological prediction for yesterday, it would be this: Today you will face numerous setbacks and pit holes, but as long as you hang on and walk on, you will be rewarded in the end.

The little ironies in life.

My first bowling session in 4 years.
Naturally I wasn't too optimistic about the chances of me playing a good game but even the pessimistic me was horrified by the results yesterday.
Out of the total points of 300, I wasn't even scoring close to 50.While people around me were scoring strikes and spares, I was throwing the ball down the gully half the time.
Into the hole and down the drain.
I could have crawled out and died.
Hope this experience doesn't leave me to traumatised to bowl in the near future.

But as life has its own setbacks and pit holes at times, it does reward those who hang on till the end.
I played a good game of pool later on.
Good would be an understatement; it was one of the best games I ever played in my life.
You know, there are some days when however hard you pray, the ball doesn't go where you want it to go.
Yesterday was definitely not one of those days.
The ball went exactly where I wanted it to go, and even went in the hole when I expected it not to.
My balls went into the hole each and everytime (I know it sounds sick) for both bowling and pool.
Talk about the little ironies in life.
Luckily I didn't fall into a drain or hole on my way back home.

********************

You know, sometimes you meet people in your life that really makes you stop and think.
I believe that life is fair, and what it takes away it gives, and what it gives it takes away.
But sometimes there are people in your life that truely defies logic.
They are good at whatever they do even for the first time, multi-talented, sporty, and so friendly and charismatic that instead of envying, you like them even more and develop an inferiority complex
Kinda makes you stop and wonder what you have been doing with your life all these while.
Bumming around and doing nothing while such people race past you onto greener pastures.
Makes me feel like a useless fool at times.
I like them yet I envy them and when I stop to think what I should do with my life next, I have completely no idea.
Sigh.

********************

This is the first time that I brought her along on a class outing.
On hindsight, it may be a mistake.
This is the first class outing where I felt so alienated, so totally foreign and out of the action.
Stark constrast to last Monday's KTV session, where I had this warm fuzzy feeling inside me, as I belted song after song with close friends.
But that feeling is expected after all, for it is I who asked her along and since she doesn't know anyone, I'm expected to keep her company.
Not to say I didn't enjoyed it, but I simply felt that it would be far better that I went alone and asked her out on another day.

"We're less interested in bragging about our bedroom exploits in the spirit of male bonding than we are about deepening our bond with you. But don't expect your man to divulge this secret. Men are taught to stick together. By choosing you, we've betrayed our own kind. And that's just something we'd rather not admit -- to anyone."

I got this from iVillage, Cosmopolitian, Under "Men"
Is it true that by choosing her, I have "betrayed my own kind" and hence banished from the close knitted group that I was once part of?
Life is really fair, it doesn't allow you to get everything.
But I want everything.
The friends that I have gotten to know in my class during this short one year and a half are one of the best that I have ever known, along with scouts and canoeing. I treasure them well.
But at the same time, I treasure her as well. How we first met is so unlikely that I am tempted to call it fate, a gift from above.
So how?
Stuck between Scylla and Charybdis.
I am in a dilenma.

2004-08-05T19:16:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, there are little things in your life that happen and you remember forever.

2 days back, I was going back home by the bus 67.
Reading as usual, yawning to drive away the fatigue that plagued me everytime i got on the bus and struggling to turn page after page.
After an unknown period of time, as the bus neared my stop, I stopped reading and did what any other ordinary person would do.
Yawn, stretch a bit, turn and look around.
My heart stopped and blood froze in an instant.

Just 10cm away from my nose on the bus window, there laid this wasp.
Thin and slender with a fat abdomen and decked in jet black and brillant yellow stripes.
Ever quivering so lightly and twitching it's short feelers.
Lying there lazily and happily, knowing in comfort that nobody in their right mind is going to press against it.

Far contrast to what I felt at that moment.
My blood ran cold as I ran back the times when I almost put down the book and laid my head against the window to catch a quick nap.
Lying my head against the wasp lying happily and contentedly on the window pane.
And nobody likes a wasp when it's angry.
Ouch, it hurts even thinking about what could happen.

2004-07-18T23:55:00.000+08:00

I always felt that happiness is something that you must fight for yourself
I was dead wrong
It can be bought
For 40 bucks

That restaurant is called Genghis Khan for a damned good reason
In there, everyone eats like a Mongolian Warlord.
Feasting upon dishes upon dishes of delicacies found in their empire.

It was almost obscene as I laid my eyes upon the rows and rows of food, lying there seductively for my pleasure.
Oysters bigger than your palm
Unlimited salmon sashimi
Slices upon slices of abalone.
Oh my.

I've died and gone to heaven tonight

2004-07-11T22:36:00.000+08:00

I feel like writing about greek legends tonight, feeling a little inspired.
Or rather, a little insipid.
Whatever.

Long long before, when the greek god Prometheus created humans, they were little more than animals.
Living like savages, they hunted animals for food, ran naked and huddled in the cold at night.
Seeing their plight, Prometheus stole fire from Apollo's chariots and gave it to humanity.
It was humanity's first gift, and it's best ever.
With fire, man grew crops, built cities, conquered everything and became masters of the known world.
Fire was mankind's ticket to civilization and enlightenment.

But Prometheus gave more than that.
He also gave the divine spark of life to humanity.
With this spark, man laughed, cried, loved, hated.
He waged war, made love, wrote poetry and much more.
In short, man was made human.

This spark is still present in each and everyone of us.
Pushing us forward every day, in hopes of a better future.
But sometimes, the world seems so stressful and hopeless that this spark seems also snuffed out.
That's what happened to me on Wednesday.
Almost felt like dying.

Everything is almost coming to a conclusion now.
Compeititions, prelims, A levels.
So many things to do, so little time...
Feeling so helpless, in the face of the arising storm.
It's seems that however hard you try, it's futile, as you are continuously battered by the waves...

Hopefully, I'll make it out in one piece...

2004-07-05T22:30:00.000+08:00

"You only treasure what you lost."
Anonymous

I guess the above is common knowledge among all of us.
But even more true, you treasure even more what you have left.

It's been so long since Febuary 21th.
4 months.
16 weeks, 112 days, 2688 hours, 161280 minutes, 9676800 seconds.
I wondered how I managed to survived so long.
I could still recall that time when I cried so bitterly when I realised that I lost her.
At that time, I thought I could never live on without her.

But I did.
I learned not to lament about my loss everyday.
I learned not to cry over something I've lost
I learned that the world doesn't stop spinning for you.
I learned to let go with a smile.

I've also learned that whatever you do or go through, there is always a group of friends who care for you.
They would do their best to help and suffer gladly any pains for you.
Their friendships are like threads that held me tight when the ground below me collapsed and prevented me from falling into the abyss beyond.
I've learned to treausre friendship even more.

But perhaps the most important thing that I have learned is that even though life may get you down at times, you have to stand up strong.
Life isn't always fair, the results are not always proportional to the effort put in.
You have to stand up strong, like a rock among the waves, resisting every bit that life tries to wear you down.
Friends can only go with you so far.
Ultimately, you have to stand up strong and face it.

I've walked through the past and looking back, I see friends who still treads the painful path that I walked before.
The trutth may seems harsh, but it will heal with time.
The one you seek may not be the one you need.
Eventually, you will find the perfect someone for you.
It's true, believe me.
I've been through it.

I guess this is kinda like a farewell post, bidding goodbye to my pain, sadness and foolishness.
As I look back, I see the past me, trying so hard to hang on, tasting bitterness and pain all the way.
I looked back.
And laughed.

2004-07-05T19:58:00.000+08:00

I think I'm getting delirious.

The world around me seems so surreal lately.
A dream-like reality that seems so un-natural.
I don't seem to even exist anymore, just me watching the husk of my body going about its daily business
The eyes that I see with are not mine.
The hands that I feel with are not mine.
The thoughts that I pen down are not mine.
The feelings in my heart are not mine.
It seems so misty around me, swirls of dreams and nightmares in an endless and futile dance.
So fragile, this dream-like reality.
I am afraid to move, as I fear shattering this fragile state.
The slightest movement could push it in either directions.
Either into a complete heaven.
Or a utter hell.

The events lately are so fantastic and remarkable that I can't believe it even happened, a dream that I had not woken up from.
I did said before that life is a cold hearted and greedy bastard which takes and takes.
But sometimes, it does drop surprises on your head.
And when it does, the results can be totally surprising and pleasant.
If I didn't lent out my ps2, I wouldn't be there.
If he didn't forget to bring it that day, I wouldn't be there waiting.
If I was not there waiting, I wouldn't be buying a drink and sitting down.
If I didn't not sit at that very bench, then none of this would have happened.
You have to leave it to fate sometimes.
There is no other explainationto why.

But I fear before I could stop and realise what's happening, all these would have pass and evaporated like night dew in the morning sun.
I am afraid, for I know the consequence of not holding on and letting go.
But can what be shattered be made whole again?
Or it would be pulversized further into dust?

I can only close my eyes, cross my heart and hope for the best.

2004-06-25T23:20:00.000+08:00

I have been given a wake up call
To put it graphically, I'm wrenched up from the mud to the sky with my eyes to the blinding sun.
Reserves are not the losers condemned to the benches, but the team mates spurred to greater heights.
Failures are not the reasons to give up, but reasons to continue fighting towards success.

The most unfair person in this world is life.
Life is unfair.
It takes, it TAKES and it TAKES SOME MORE.
I will accept it.
Nobody owes me anything, and I will not expect anything in return.

I will fight with my blood, sweat and tears.
Only that my fight is earlier, a fight for a place.
Even if I did not get it, I will hold the team trophy together and smile.
For it is indeed won with blood, sweat and tears.
Everyone's

Thank you for believing in me.
The one who wrenched my head up.
For letting me see the light and continue on.

A bend in the road is not the end of the road... unless you fail to make the bend.

I will make the bend.

2004-06-25T19:35:00.000+08:00

Well, it's been a long and evenful June.

I haven't being able to update my blog all these while, as this June holidays is one of the busiest I've ever had.
Training, going out, having fun...
Updating your blog seems irrevelant when you are trying to squeeze the tiniest bit of time to enjoy yourself before the big "A" comes.

I came back 4 hrs ago, after a long and tiring 5 hour flight from Shanghai.
It seems an awfully good way to end your last June holiday with a 8 day tour of Jiangnan, China with your extended family.
It would perhaps be a welcome break before I resume my hectic JC life.
Or perhaps my greatest mistake?

I once wrote that hope is our greatest strength.
Correction: Hope is our ONLY strength.
Hope is the pillar that we lean on throughout our entire lives.
It is so vital that in fact, without hope, man cannot continue living.

That may be why I feel so lost now...
I felt this way before... during that fateful Valentine's day.
Different, but same in a subtle way.
Both times, hopes are dashed, and I have absolutely no idea where my life will take me next.
Both times, I've lost the pillar that supported me before.
After Valentine's day, my heart was ashes, and I came more and more on relying on the other pillar in my life, canoeing, as proof of the worth of my existence.
Till now, I've come to realise how canoeing has come to dominate my JC life, from the immense amount of time poured in and the friends that I've come to know, the comradeship, the laughter, the tears...
However, the harder you lean on it, the harder you fall when the pillar crumbles.

The team is more important, they say.
It is a harsh reality, but I must learn to accept it.
It's cruel, but I have no other choices.
But I can't help but wonder as I gaze upon photos of past canoeing batches, those nameless seniors who did not take part in the Nationals.
How did they feel?
As they collectively hold the trophy, do those seniors feel that the tropy does not belong to them, as they did not sweat a single drop of blood or tear to hold that trophy?
A victory without blood or tears, is an empty and meaningless victory.

It is at times like this that I feel like a total loser, a total fucker.
All my life I've achieved nothing.
I stepped at the sides and watched while others raced ahead to fame and glory.
I got bullied often, and I never resisted or even dared to strike back as I do not have the courage to do so.
But I accepted it.
I believed that life is fair, and what it takes away it gives.
But is life fair after all?
Is there justice?

I was born shy (it takes me a lot to speak to a total stranger), not like others who are born with a lion's heart and radiating charisma
I was born plain, not like others who are born with good looks, fair complexion and genes for a killer body.
I watched at the sides while people I know raced ahead to happiness with a girlfriend around their left arm and a ticket to a trophy in their right.
They say count your blessings.
But I can't help but envy... right...?

And along comes canoeing, a sport where I truely felt like a team and where I can finally prove the worth of my existence.
The larger something comes to mean in your life, the larger the amount of time put in.
I have poured in one and a half years of the best years in my life.
But in the end, nothing.
In the end, I'm sitting once again at the stands, watching and envying.

I feel so lost, I don't know what to do.
To me, one and a half year of efforts just seems to evaporate into nothingness.
I really hope that all the time and all the efforts I've put in means something to me in the end.
To be able to tread once again on this path that I have chosen one and a half years ago.

Grant me the strength to continue...

2004-05-07T23:42:00.001+08:00

I lifted this from my brother's blog, he wrote it himself.

I found these few lines very meaningful.
Sometimes, one's best friend and one's worst enemy are none other than yours truly.

Think about it.
When struggling in a compeitition to win, you are none other than striving against your own limits.
When making friends, you are none other than trying to find people that are similar and share common interests as you.

That makes me wonder.
When looking for a loved one, are we merely looking out for someone the most similar to us?
Someone who can think and feel the same way as we do?
It's that all we are looking for? Clones of ourselves?

If it's true, then it's very pitiful indeed.
A couple is not bound together by the love they share together.

Instead, they are together just because of their big fat egos.

Sad case.

2004-05-04T19:12:00.000+08:00

Hello

Who... who are you?

That is not important. What's important is why I am here.

Why are you here?

To help you.

Help me?

You are confused.

How do you know?

I've been with you ever since you were born. I saw you grow up and watched your every steps. I've witnessed all the good that you done and all the sins you commited.

Are you god?

*Laughing* I'm not that great, silly! However, I'm what he values most in men.

It's been a long time since we last talked. It's about time for another.

You are confused, for your feelings are contradicting. You have accepted you havelost her, you haveaccepted him as the winner, you have even accepted that she is not the one meant for you.

However, everytime you see them together, or how happy he is, you feel this sourness welling up inside, rushing over all other feelings till you feel like a total failure.

Yeah, something like that.

And you are confused, for you do not know what to do.

What shall I do? I'm so lost...

Time will take care of everything.

But that is merely a way of hiding, so why bother?

True, but do you have the courage to face up to them and bare your thoughts to the world?

......

*Sigh* Courage is hard to come at times.

But I do not want to hide!

Then face your own feelings.

I don't even know what my feelings are.

I'll help you here. Jealousy is probably what you are feeling right now.

Jealousy?

Yes. What you cannot have is open to him.

What shall I do about it?

That I can say no more. I can only give you the dirctions, you yourself have to find your way out of this tangle.

......OKay.

I have to go now.

Wait. Who are you?

Ah... I am the spring from which all the goodness inside you flows from. I too am the cesspit in which all the evil inside you rots. I am the life-giver. Tha brain may be the abode of the mind, but I alone am the vessel of the soul. I am...

...my heart.

*Smile* Finally you know me. I can only do so much, the rest is up to you. However, do not stop believing in me.

Good luck!

You will be free one day.

2004-04-26T22:01:00.000+08:00

Frankly speaking, I feel that these few years spent at Hwa Chong will be the happiest years of my life.
Floating by happily, where the biggest worries are about school work, the future seems bright and there is nothing in the world to stop me.
Looking back, I have realised what a wonderful year 2003 was, fraught with laughter, excitement and fun.
And looking forward, my days in Hwa Chong are limited, and there are barely 7 months before saying goodbye.

That is why sometimes I feel very afraid.
Sometimes, when I'm jiving with my class, kbing with my team mates or talking cock with old friends, I will feel this sudden anxiety.
Fear that I will never experience something as wonderful as this again.

I wonder at times, what I would be thinking 10 years in the future.
Would I look back upon these memories with fondness, surrounded by friends, family and loved ones?
Or would I crave these days again, if I ended up all alone and bitter?

Friends come and go, and friendship is hard to maintain with increasing physical distance.
I fear the day when it takes even too much effort to say a simple "Hello".
The future is uncertain.
That is why I fear.
For I could never get such good friends again.

There are just 7 more months before my JC life officially ends.
I wonder whether the larva thinks the same way as it lies in its chrysalis.
Eventually, it has to emerge into the big, big world.
Will it ever miss the life it had as a pupa?

The happiness, safety, joy and peace it once had as it lay in the place it once called home.

2004-04-25T01:43:00.000+08:00

Whenever I'm feeling sad, miserable or depressed, one of the advice I'll get is to laugh at it.
Laugh at your own foolishness and folly.
Laugh at whatever made you unhappy.
Laugh, for isn't laughter the best medicine?

But for me, this piece of advice seems horrendously wrong.
Laughter is supposed to be the emotion of living, the very sound of the joy of being alive.
It wells up from the depts of your soul and seeps through the body until it eventually erupts as laughter.
How can you laugh, when you are not even feeling happy?
Wouldn't the laughter be empty, full of bitterness and sorrow?
Then what's the point of laughing in the first place?
In the end, you are still crying.

Laughing at your sadness also seems to me to be merely a way of hiding.
Hiding your sorrow behind a screen of laughter.
Sadness will then nestle in your memory like a gangrene, rotting everything, even the words to speak of it.
It then becomes a wordless darkness that you avoid, or even managed to forget.
But you never overcame the sorrow that consumes you.

To me, laughing at your sadness is only possible if one has complete acceptance of their own failures and weakness.
People often feel miserable and angry when insulted, and lash out, because they did not acknowledge the faults that are inherent in them.

But sadly, no one seems to be able to do it, as I believe that deep inside everyone, we do not want to be weak, useless and full of failures.

Deep inside, we all want to be the top of the world.

2004-04-04T22:04:00.000+08:00

A very true conversation which we always hid in our hearts and never say it out until...............
If you see me walking the road with someone else
Its not because I like his company
Its because you're not brave enough to walk beside me.
If you hear me talking about him all the time
Its not because he pleases me
Its because you're too deaf to hear my heartbeat
If you feel me falling with someone new
Its not because I love him
Because you're not there to catch me fall
If you feel lost, I too am nowhere
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we gonna cross each other's path
Or just completely turn around?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound
Don't let me walk with him
It's you I want to walk with
Don't let me talk of him
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for him
It's you I want to fall in love with.

THE ANSWER"
When you thought I wasn't brave enough to walk beside you
I was behind you every step of the way
Still filled with awe because of the beauty that stands before me
When you thought I was too deaf to hear your heartbeat
I didn't want to assume anything
And I was afraid to lose our friendship
When you thought I wasn't there to catch you
It was because you never gave me the chance
You never reached the bottom, you've already grabbed a branch
If you feel like you are nowhere, I too am lost
I too don't know where the road is going
Are we just going to turn around,
Or are we gonna cross each other's path?
Will we just let go of what we had
Or go to the place where love is bound?
Don't let me walk alone
I want to walk by your side
Don't let me talk of something else
It's you I want to talk with
Don't let me fall for someone else
It's you I want to fall in love with.

WHEN I SAW YOU...
I WAS AFRAID TO TALK TO YOU...
WHEN I TALKED TO YOU...
I WAS AFRAID TO HOLD YOU...
WHEN I HOLD YOU...
I WAS AFRAID TO LOVE YOU...
NOW THAT I LOVE YOU ...
I'M AFRAID TO LOSE YOU...

YESTERDAY IS HISTORY...
TOMORROW IS A MYSTERY...
AND TODAY IS A GIFT...
THAT'S WHY IT'S CALLED A PRESENT...

SOMETIMES LOVE HURTS...
BUT IF IT DOESN'T HURT...
THEN IT ISN'T LOVE...
HOLD ON TO THE PERSON U LOVE...
BEFORE THEY SLIP AWAY...
OR ELSE U CAN NEVER GET THEM BACK...
I WAS BORN WHEN YOU KISSED ME...
AND I DIED WHEN YOU LEFT ME...
BUT I LIVED FOR THE TWO MONTHS U LOVED ME...
UNTIL THERE WAS YOU,
I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP...
WHILE I HAD YOU,I FELL ASLEEP WITH A GENTLE SMILE ON MY FACE...
BEFORE I LOST YOU,I WORRIED MY SELF TO SLEEP...
NOW THAT I KNOW UR GONE,
I SIT UP AT NIGHT, WAITING FOR U TO COME BACK...

2004-03-30T19:58:00.000+08:00

I have been taking care of this potted plant.
For a long time, I treated it with my upmost loving care and attention.
I watered it everyday.
I removed bugs and parasites from it when infestations struck.
I took it indoors when a storm is blowing and took it out when the sun is shining once again.
Working towards the day when it will blossoms and I will enjoy the fruits of my labour.

Once oftenly, life isn't what one expects.
I had suspected for a long time that my plant wasn't suited to the climate, and it would not survive.
I was right.
On the day the plant withered and died, I cried.
I wept for the blossoms that I lost and mourned for the hard work that I put in.

It's surprising how when you are at the lowest at your life and feeling pretty depressed, life often throws some unexpected twists at you.

Only till now did I notice this weed that I abandoned a long time ago.
I left it to the mercy of the elements, and left it to fend for itself.

It was growing small white flowers.
And what beautiful flowers they were.

So once again, I am at the cross road of my life.
Should I continue to pin for the blossoms that I had lost?
Or should I give my attention to the weed that I had given up on a long time ago, encouraging it to blossom even more beautifully?
Or maybe I should just give up gardening once and for all, for I do not want the disappointments and sadness that I once felt visit me again.
I'm sorta confused right now.

Seriously, life sucks.
How I wish that sometimes fate would leave me alone and let me live the life that I once had.
Happy and free.

2004-03-29T00:02:00.000+08:00

One piece stuck in my mind during the Band's Cappricio Concert.

轨迹 (Kui Ji By Jay Chow. Sorry for the gibberish)

怎么隐藏我的悲伤失去你的地方
你的发香散的匆忙我已经跟不上

闭上眼睛还能看见你离去的痕迹
在月光下一直找寻那想念的身影

如果说分手是苦痛的起点
那在终点之前我愿意再爱一遍
想要对你说的不敢说的爱
会不会有人可以明白

我会发着呆然后忘记你接着紧紧闭上眼
想着那一天会有人代替让我不再想念你
我会发着呆然后微微笑接着紧紧闭上眼
又想了一遍你温柔的脸在我忘记之前

心里的眼泪模糊了视线你已快看不见

I used to hate this song.
I heard it so many times during the December holidays, all thanks to hcnr (hua chuan nu ren), that I got pretty sick of it.
Not anymore.
I have found out that just like wine, which takes time to mature, songs too need time to be able to understand its meanings.
In the light of recent events, I think I may have fully understood Kui Ji's meaning and appreciate its flavour.

It is a strange song.
Take a look at the lyrics.
It tells the story of a man who is trying to forget his love after a breakup.

Now, in other convectional songs, breakups are normally sad and sordid affairs and they are full of anger, sorrow, pain.
But not in Kui Ji.
Listen to the melody.
It is neither sad, nor sorrowful, in constrast to the sad lyrics.
There is only one emotion that I can feel from this melody.

Quiet acceptance.
He has let go with a smile.

Only after the events of Febuary did I realise the true meaning of Kui Ji.
The heart wrenching pain of the end.
But not to regret the end, but to rejoice at the journey, to be glad of what has happened.
And most importantly,

To let go with a smile.

2004-03-27T00:00:00.000+08:00

Went for Sakae sushi lunch buffet with the guys today.

For the uninitiated, Sakae sushi lunch buffet consists of this long conveyor belt spanning the entire length of the restaurant, with plates and plates of sushi floating upon it.
And for $16.05, you can take whatever you want.

I fell upon this bounty from heaven with a ravenous hunger.
For hours, we tasted and sampled plates upon plates of exotic sushi, swifting swiping it off from the conveyor belt before anyone else gets it.
Out tastebuds have proclaimed 3 top champions out of the numerous sushi we tasted.

1) Salmon sushi.
One of the most value for money choices, we ate of many salmon sushi that we almost exterminated an entire family tree.

2) Barbequed eel sushi.
Quite expensive, we almost fought over it.

3) Tofu
Tofu in light soy sauce is a godsend for us. Hot and tender on the inside, it clears our palate for more sushi to come.

However, things are not meant to last.
Eventually, no more eel sushi or salmon were to be seen.
In desperation, we sent this along the conveyor belt.

After about 5 minutes, the note came back on the conveyor belt.
However, we did not notice where it went, for we were wrecked with laughter the whole time.
It seems to reach the chef though, for after that we were swarmed with a deluge of eel sushi.

On restrospect, that was a pretty dumb thing to do. =p

2004-03-25T21:32:00.000+08:00

I'm gonna dedicate this blog entry to you, you know who you are.

Seriously, there is no point in clinging on.
When a relationship reaches breaking point and falls apart, often there is no chance of salvaging it.
The only ways left is to start afresh or to forget him.

You have tried the former method, to start afresh with him.
You have tried very hard.
However, when all attempts are fruitless, it is time to try and forget him and let go.

Letting go ain't easy.
You want to believe that you and him still have a chance to get together, a chance for you 2 to begin anew.
But sometimes that is utterly impossible
Wake up girl.
Welcome to the real world.

Then you cry.
You tried hard enough to forget him, to immerse yourself in other matters to stop thinking about him.
But sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night.
And it all comes back to you.
Tears suppressed in the day all comes flooding back in the dark.
You cry and cry, feeling sorry about yourself and why things have to happen that way.
My answer to your sorrow is this:
Why bother?

All relationships have a beginning and an end, it's all a matter of length.
When a relationship ends, sorrow is always left behind.
However, all sorrow and suffering have an end, if only you wait long enough.
Try to remember that.
Sorrow has its life just like people, just like relationships.
Sorrow is born and lives and dies.
And when it's dead and gone, someone's left behind to remember it..

It isn't easy to forget someone.
As I found out, time doesn't always heal everything.
By believing in time to numb your memories and lessen the pain, you are only hiding.
All the sadness and sorrow goes deep into hiding and this makes you believe that you got over him.
However, only the day that all these hidden feelings emerge suddenly, you will feel even more broken-hearted than before.
Trust me, you will literally break.

The only hard way then to forget him, is through understanding.
By undertanding and realizing that the relationship is over and there's nothing you can do about it, you move on.
As friends, we can only go so far with you.
You have to figure out how to go next.
It's your own battle.

And finally, dun cry.
Tears are not worth shedding over the same matter over and over again.
Smile instead.
For that is the only defence you got in this brave new world that you will be facing.

Good luck!

2004-03-22T21:06:00.000+08:00

I am a coward.
It was she who took the initiative to talk to me this night, to clarify things over with me.
And so we talked.

I have realised that I have let anger and hatred cloud my mind these few weeks.
I was blinded by envy, maddened by pain, and I lashed out.
And I hurt people.

On retrospect, did I over react?
On the chalet issue, was it due to jealousy that I wrote that awful entry?
She only wanted to spend more time with him.
On the SMS that I received, was it in the heat of the moment that I wrote that damning entry?
In order to get back at her, I potrayed myself as the victim.
But the truth is, we are all victims.
She too got hurt by the backlash that followed.

So please people, dun lash out at her anymore.
In matters of love, things are often unclear, and there are no right or wrong answers.
There is no need to blame myself, her, him, anyone.
Let the past become the past
Please stop the flood of criticisms, scoldings and curses towards her.
She does not deserve it.
For no one is to blame.
And it hurts me more than it hurts her.

I took the opportunity to ask her the question that has been haunting me for the past month.
Did she ever like me?
Gentle shake.
Well then, that settles it.

At that moment, all the anger and envy I felt evaporated like the morning dew.
Someone told me that rejection must come from the person's own lip before the infatuation disappears.
I guess that is pretty true.
It seems that my dream has ended finally.
A bitter sweet dream that lasted for a year, that I will never forget.

I'll never forget how beautiful I thought you were on the first day of school.

I'll never forget all the conversations we had, and how you made me smile.

I'll never forget our time spent during PW, and the frustration we felt sometimes.

I'll never forget the bus journeys that I took with you back during the promos period.

I'll never forget despair I felt when I heard you and him were getting closer.

I'll never forget the tears I shed during Valentine's Day

It may only be my feelings, but I treasure them still.

Any dream, any fantasy must come to an end eventually.
This one is no exception.
So ends my first love, my first crush, aged 1 year and 2 months...

2004-03-21T16:16:00.000+08:00

Finally, you read my blog.
It's inevitable really, seeing how much uproar my little piece of cyberspace has caused.
All the criticism and negative feedback is bound to get back to you eventually.

Yesterday, I was asked what you did that made me angry and why I told unconcerned people about it but not to you.
The truth is, all my entries were not meant for unconcerned people.
Those entries are just a way of expressing my feelings and thoughts that wells inside me sometime.
And also, my feelings towards you isn't that of anger.
It is a whole potpouri of feelings and emotions that I can't express.
That is the reason why I did not respond to you last night.
I did not know what to say.

I felt anger towards you, for I felt that you were shallow and a big show off.
I felt envy towards you, for I bemoan why nothing happened between the 2 of us.
I felt a whole host of primal feelings towards you that no words are apt enough to describe.
I am confused.

I think I better give you an analogy.
When gangrene has set in on a limb, the best way to save the person's life is often to amputate the infected limb.
There is also another, albeit less effective way of trying to treat the infected limb, salvaging it.
However, the stump of the limb left will be just a mere memory of what it was before.
So the choice is whether to amputate the limb and save the person from more harm or try to salvage it.
It is a tough decision.

I once held much anger towards you.
But with time, the reason for my anger has slowly dissipated.
However, I still held on onto that anger.
For if the anger is gone, all that would be left would be an emptiness.
Any anything is far much better than that emptiness.

If you felt that I was angry, it may be because I do not want to let go.
By talking about it, it helps to hold on, to keep the memories fresh.
If I did not hold on, it will all become the past.

And finally, the most important part of this entry.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I hurt you, for I did not mean it.
I'm sorry, for any distress and pain that you might have felt.
I'm sorry, for I could not let go...

2004-03-20T22:55:00.000+08:00

When coming back home from Kallang tonight, Jianbin and friends "persuaded" me to come home at CCK via the north-south line.
Bo bian lar, they more people.
Anyway, they all left me around Bishan, and it's been a long time since I've travelled alone back home on the MRT.
Gives me time to think.

Jianbin told me that he felt that I haven not completely let go yet.
If I did, I would not be blogging so much about that subject.
He may be right.
However, the truth is that I have let go of something.
I have let go of her.
I haven't let go of my feelings.

Once infatuation has left you, the haze that clouds your mind and sight leaves you.
Seriously, now that I know what she is like, even if she throws herself upon me(errr... figuratively), I would not want it.
The object of my affection has left, but the affection has not.
Deep inside of me, I still want to be loved.

Around me, I see all my friends divided into 3 categories.
Those who are happy and free.
Those who are happy and attached.
Those who like someone else and desperately wants to be loved in return.

I envy those who are attached.
Everytime after training, they rush immediately to meet their gfs, leaving a few no-lifers who stay to play darts and drink herbal tea.
Sometimes I wonder why couldn't it happen to me.
To be able to share joy and sorrow with someone, a bitching partner to gossip with, a confidant to your deepest secrets and someone you want to share your life with.
I wish I could have that too.

I too envy those who are happy and free.
Around my friends, there are those who are hardly troubled by the affairs of the heart and are perpetually happy.
If falling in love and crushing someone is a normal rite of growing up, why is it not happening to them?
They do not experience the bitter-sweet sensation of liking someone before.
And when things go wrong, the bitter taste grows until the whole experience is totally bitter and unpalatable.
I envy them, for they have not experienced the sensation of an unrequited love.

I believe that I belong to the third group.
Even though I do not have a visible target, I still wished to love and be loved by someone else, despite not even knowing who she is.
As I said before, deep inside me, I still want to be loved.
Machismo at work or plain loneliness?
Is it even correct for this feeling to exist inside me, to fall in love for the sake of love only?
I do not know.
But I hope to find out soon.

However, one of my friend loves someone deeply but his love isn't returned.
If you are reading this, you know who you are.
You are deeply troubled, and I can sense it, for I feel that you really love her deeply, truly, madly.
But again, your love is not returned, and it may never will.
You cannot change that.
The only thing you can change, is yourself.
Keep your head up high and walk forward each new day, with a smile on your face.

Smile even when you cry, for there is still someone in the world worth crying for.

Smile even when you are envied, for there is something about you worth envying.

Smile even when you are betrayed, for it allows you to see who your friends truly are.

Smile even when you are disappointed, for there is no disappointment without hope.

Remember, a smile is not something that you owe the world, but something you owe to yourself.

Cheer up and stay happy always!

2004-03-19T19:12:00.000+08:00

Whew, just came back
Althought a 2-day, 1-night chalet is not very long, it's still pretty exhausting.

I would like to do some bitching.
Jas has repeatedly warned her not to bring him to the class chalet.
First of all, class chalet means "S7B class chalet", not "S6B class chalet". If he's in 03S7B then I have been blind and deaf for 1 year running.
Secondly, he barely knows anyone there. Really barely. I can count the number of people he knows on one hand, maybe even half a hand.
Thirdly, they are there "just to say hi". By that I mean really literally. There were there for barely 15 minutes I guess.

I'm not blamming them for coming.
But then what they did last night was real weird.
They came all the way from god knows where to Pasir Ris, the other end of Singapore.
And they just stayed for 15 minutes.
It seems to me that she is more like showing her new bf to us than enjoying a good barbeque with us.
She seems to be like displaying a new conquest of hers like a trophy to us rather than enjoying a good time with us.
重色轻友
And if they wanted to spend time together they could go somewhere less remote right?
Bloody showoff.

I'm sorry if the above reeks of jealousy.
But the truth is that I'm not envious of either him or her.
However I can't bear the thought of them together in the same room as me.
I will escape as soon as I can, for I can't withstand the wave of feelings that flood me.
It is neither jealousy nor envy.
For the lack of a better word, I will use "du lan" to describe how I felt that time at the chalet.

I also did some thinking over the chalet, and would like to make a correction to the previous entry.
The 2nd play is not totally fake and unrealistic, but there is only one line of truth to it.
幸福是要自己争取的
Happiness is for oneself to grab hold of.

I shall not mention what happen at the chalet that lead me to make that conclusion.
All that I can say is that you can't merely wish for happiness, you must work towards it.
You didn't try to chat her up, cause you were too shy.
You didn't try to call her, cause you were too lazy.
You didn't confess to her, to tell her that you liked her, cause you were too afraid.
Only after looking back at the past 1 year did I realise what a coward I am.

In short it is all a matter of choice.
This extends to other matters too.
You can choose to mug hard and get excellent results or slack and fail miserably.
You can choose to work hard at your CCA and obtain glory for the school or slack and disappoint everyone.
Not making a choice is also a choice too.
I did not choose in time, and let happiness flow by me and onto greener fields.
So I guess happiness is just a matter of whether you want to work towards it or not.
It's your decision.
Your choice.

2004-03-17T23:00:00.000+08:00

----This is an extremely narcissi blog entry, read at your own discretion.----

Wah piang eh, can't stand my hair.

Before After

See the difference?

Alika is god and Haru rocks.

Ok that's enough of me for quite some time.

----End of narcissi entry----

Anyone being to Huang Cheng 2004?
The plays are generally not too bad, and I just wanna make one comment.
The 2nd play is totally fake and unrealistic.

For those people who have yet seen Huang Cheng 2004, here is a brief synopsis of play number 2.
It talks about different parts of a relationship, from attachment to passion to breakup and get together as different colours of the rainbow.
The moral of the story is that happiness is for yourself to grab hold of.
Bullshit.

In the play, the characters breakup over the smallest matter, like being late for a date and so on.
If a relationship can't even get over petty details as this, I dun think it is even fit to be called love, or even a relationship.
The happiness you derived from such relationships is only short lasting, like the pleasure you derive from taking drugs.
But when the drug's effect wears over and you wake up from your own little surrealistic world, the pain is unbearable, just like a breakup.

I dun think love should be such.
When the bonds between 2 person grows strong and deep enough, certain things happen.
They do not overlook each other's faults, but accepts it as it is.
They do not love each other as the perfect partner in their imagination, but love each other for who they really are.
They do not engage in fiery passion, with vows of undying love for each other, but take pleasure in the simplest things, like sharing a meal together or taking a stroll in the evening sun together.
When that happens, that is love.

People nowadays are quick to get attached and even quicker to breakup.
They only fall in love for the person they like, and do not take the time to enjoy the process.
The bitter-sweet process we call love.
Just like a cup of coffee, one cannot simply finish it in one single gulp. One must sip slowly and allow the full aroma to spread along the tongue.

And when the final goodbye comes, there are often no tears.
Couples part with a smile when they are truly in love for they know that it is truly necessary.
One may not be around in flesh, but he or she will coexist in spirit.

Final note to all:
May you all find your true love.
It may take months, years or even lifetimes.
But you will find it in the end.
Good luck!

2004-03-16T22:24:00.000+08:00

I was supposed to blog something sad and sentimental tonight.
I met her after dinner, passed her the Huang Cheng tickets and walked her to the MRT station.
Just a little conversation, no more, no less.
I was thinking of blogging something about how I still missed her and kinda crap.
But something changed that.

Guess what I received on my phone right after I went home.
Ya. Ha. To make u jealous lo. Mm. He asked me if i going chalet. Then i said i join them thurs after my trng. He asked me if i'm going alone. I said 'uh'. how?

Any idiot who read this SMS would know that it obviously isn't meant for me.
Any one who knows a little about my affairs would know who exactly this SMS was meant for, and it reached my inbox by mistake.

At this point I would like to say some words.
Firstly, I would like to extend a big "Thank you" to those people, true friends who have stood by me when I went though one of the most turbulent periods my life.
Secondly, I would like to extend a big "F*** you" to those people who really hurt me deeply and even gave me a stab in the back.

KNN.
Who the hell does she thinks she is.
To set records right, she did most of the talking.
I only nodded my head like an idiot and passed comments, stupidly mesmerized.
How dare she take things into her own hands and twisted facts just to provide more interesting things to SMS.
How dare she snub me when the only thing I did was to make small talk to her.
Plain naive or bloody arrogant?
I think the answer should be obvious.

Rejections are okay, but malicious words whispered behind backs are the worst of the lot.
This act of betrayal of friendship has really shocked and horrified me.
To think that I once thought of her as a friend
To think that I once felt so deeply for her.
I was a fool, but I will not be one anymore.
This SMS will only serve as a wake up call from this drugged grogginess we call infatuation.
There is no need to dream anymore, for the thin layer of disguise is stripped away and I can clearly see what is beneath.
Stop dreaming.
Wake up.
Get a life.

2004-03-15T18:59:00.000+08:00

For any avid readers out there who gasped with horror when they saw that there are no updates on my blog for 2 straight days, I'm truly sorry.
For I'm too tired out by the hectic ordeal of the past 2 days.
SDBA is over, and it is time to let the dust settle and pick up the remains.

Competition is not as scary as it seems after all.
All the panic and nervousness vanishes when you are about to set off for the start line.
At the start line, you are just there, waiting for the signal to start.
At the start signal, you are off, just paddling through the waters.
It's just you, your craft and your paddle.
Exhilarating experience.
Sorta wish to do it again.

Hwachong also did quite badly in SDBA
Our rivals totally swept the awards off our feet.
For my team mates who are disappointed out there, I say this to you
There wil come a day when the courage of man fails
But today is not that day.

All right, that was a blatant rip off from "The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King".
BUt it does conveys my feelings pretty well.
For there is no shame in defeat, and defeat only makes us stronger.
The showdown is in July, and we can do it.

(Arrrrgh!!!!! Blogger deleted my sections on Joseph's Lessons! I'll replace it when I have the time to do so =p)

2004-03-12T19:49:00.000+08:00

I'm scared.

I'm frightened, I'm nervous, I'm afraid.
I'm everything above and more.
I'm on the verge of paranoia.

As I am sitting before the computer typing all these out, I get these weird feelings, those butterflies in my stomach.
Ever get them before?
It's those funny and queasy feelings you feel in the pit of your stomach before a major event.

Ever heard of the "Butterfly Effect" before?
Skipping though the complex mathematical theorems, a butterfly fluttering its wings in Paris will cause a thunderstorm in Brazil.
So through inference, these butterflies in my stomach will send waves of panic throughout my entire body, jamming up my nervous system, causing major seizures and eventually lead to a state of total paralysis.

Ok, it may not be as far-fetched as that, but it is not far from the true.
The block tests have numbed my senses for one whole week.
As I studied through the numerous stacks of notes, my mind was totally oblivion to SDBA.
Only when the last paper ended did I realise that my competition is tomorrow.
Oh my god.

I dun think I'm prepared for it yet.
I'm used to my life as a wide, straight road in front of me, clearly marked out.
But now, I can only see murky waters in front of me.
Changes and surprises can be good, but not this time.
I only want things to go as I expected.
But there are so many things that can go wrong tomorrow...
I really dun know what to do...

2004-03-11T23:49:00.000+08:00

Tonight I remembered.

I remembered the times when we used to spend together

I remembered the pumpings that we did together, hoping that the torment will end as soon as possible.

I remembered the times when we stood as still as stone for foot drills, fearful that any movement will earn us another 20.

I remembered the times when we slacked together, hoping to rest a little before the seniors caught us.

I remembered the games we used to play together, soccer, basketball, spending numerous Friday afternoons at the street soccer court and the basketball courts.

I remembered the campfires that we went to together, how we sang and dance and went back at the end of the night tired but exhilarated.

I remembered all the jokes that you all played on me, making me angry for a week. But after that, we are all friends again.

I remembered the talks that Lao Lee gave us, making us irritated and how we cursed at him all day long.

I remembered the trips that we used to have, from Bishan to Sentosa, finding new things to do every time.

I remembered the nights that we spent at camps together, sleeping lightly in anticipation of a fire drill.

I remembered the hikes that we walked together, having nothing but each other and the stars for company.

I remember all these and more, the joy we shared, the jokes we said, the songs we sang and the sufferings we bore.

But most of all, I remember you, my scout friends.

A toast, for one of the most exciting and fulfilling experience of my lifetime.

And thank you all, for being part of it.

2004-03-11T16:51:00.000+08:00

Once, a puppy asked his mother "Where can I find happiness?"
His mother replied "Happiness can be found on your tail!"
The puppy then spun round and round, trying to bite his own tail, until he eventually fainted.
When it woke up, it was very sad, for he thought that he could not catch hold of happiness.
Seeing this, the mother dog tenderly told him "My child, you are trying too hard to catch hold of happiness. As long as you hold your head up high and walk on, happiness will always follow behind you everyday."

Check this out. I found this strip on the net a while ago.

So for the people who took physics today, if you think it was bad, it could be much worse.
For all the S6 people, enjoy your holidays! And for all the S7 people, jiayou for the bio paper tomorrow!

2004-03-10T15:08:00.000+08:00

There are 3 ways in which you relate to people, 3 "ships" should i call it that.
Kinship, relationship and friendship.

Kinship are the most lasting of all.
Even if you are a one-legged hunched-back arab with leprosy(just kidding!), your parents will still love you.
In fact, they will continue loving you till the day they die.
So treasure your parents while you can, you have only a while to go before saying goodbye.

Relationships are perhaps what people around my age wish for more than anything else.
To engage in fiery passion, to own and be owned, to love and be loved.
However, like a bright flame, it burns itself up fairly quickly and a breakup happens.
Like many relationships I see around me, it is transient and it often breaks easily.
I can say nought for true love, for I have not the credentials to speak of it.

Perhaps friendships are the most special of them all.
What makes 2 complete strangers able to confide in each other, share joy and woes with each other?
Many friendships are formed simply by being close to each other, sharing a common experience and passion and simply being through the same shit together.
Love is blind, but friendship closes one eye.
Friendship is nearly impossible to break.
Even after losing contacts and though a long period of absence, you would still be glad to call a person friend.
Repeat, friendship is nearly impossible to break.
But hopefully, I did not do the impossible.....

2004-03-09T18:47:00.000+08:00

Sometimes the best thing to do when you are hurt is to let go.
By letting go, you lessen the pain and reduce the time u have to suffer.
For example, when carrying a heavy load, the longer you carry, the longer you suffer.

However, like most what people say, it's easier to say than to do.
This simple act of letting go is perhaps the hardest thing to do in the world
Deep inside everyone, there is still this small part of you that keeps screaming " There is still hope! Dun give up!"
This small part of you is called hope.
It is man's greatest strength but also his biggest mistake.
Optimism or simply self delusion?

I once convinced myself that I have let go.
But sadly it's not the case.
At the glimpse of them together, my chest felt tight and I could literally taste jealousy on my tongue.
Hope still wins I guess...

Self delusion, or infatuation if you like to call it that way, really clouds your senses.
It blinds your eyes to what she really is, deafen you ears to what she is really saying and numbs your instincts to who she really is.
Hopefully, after this ordeal, I will learn something.
To see beneath the surface, to see deeper into a person and to judge a person based on who he or she really is.
But what have I lost?
A friend, some dignity, and a little piece of me that I gave away long time ago...

2004-03-08T16:50:00.000+08:00

Got home today and got totally drenched by the rain.
All wet, ugh.

GP essay was horrible.
Firstly, all my points seem to contradict each other.
Secondly, I found out that I keep repeating the same sentence structure.
Thirdly, everyone seem to think that the topic I did is there "just to impress the students".

I can hear the funeral bells toiling...

1 down, 4 to go. 4 days till the end of BT1

2004-03-07T21:09:00.000+08:00

I just found out that I spent this Sunday doing ABSOLUTELY nothing.
That's right, nothing at all, with the GP paper only 10.5 hours away.
Take away 7 hrs for sleep, and 1 hr for getting to school, that leaves 2.5 hr.
2.5 hrs left to study a mountain of notes.
I think i'm screwed.
So i think i shall pray to whatever deity I can think of tmr for some divine intervention.
But I dun think that is going to happen.
Wish me luck guys.

2004-03-07T12:07:00.000+08:00

testing testing....
first posting
hey it rhymes